


From The Inside Out

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Ben Solo Has OCD, Call Forward, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evil Snoke, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nightmares, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Parents As People, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The various demons Ben/Kylo and Poe face.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 5
Collections: Angst and Hurt/Comfort Prompts, Darkpilot Creator Breakdown, Darkpilot Thematic Stories, The Darkpilot Library





	From The Inside Out

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [angstandhcprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/angstandhcprompts) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Any fandom.
> 
> I would love to see any good Character Study fic, that explores the mind of the character.  
> Some trauma, PTSD, mental illnesses/disorders or violence would be a huge plus.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I’m not a therapist, but I have based a lot of Ben’s internal thoughts off my own. I was diagnosed with OCD at the age of twenty-one, and it was aggravated by being in particularly toxic fandoms (TGWTG — granted, the site was a dumpster fire anyway, but that’s beside the point — and Doctor Who) that lectured about moral and mental purity. When I was eighteen, that was when it started. I had flashes of...things that were very disturbing, and occasionally, I’d have fears of saying the wrong thing, like if I think it, it will come true. I’d wrack my brain over previous emotions, previous thoughts, stuff like that...
> 
> (I think the idea of social justice is a good one, and I’ve found sites like Everyday Feminism that have, ironically, helped me with my OCD — EF does occasionally drop the necessary anvil that being problematic doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, e.g. in their article on microaggressions. Which I think is important, because in addition to the OCD thing, separating people into good and bad actually, ironically, keeps people from being accountable and the cycle continues — but the social justice I saw on Tumblr in 2013 was a perversion of social justice, and calling it social justice is an insult to people who actually do want to help others and bring down oppression. The 2013 Tumblr and Twitter stuff...people just hurt people because they enjoyed hurting people. Threatening mass shootings over an Internet video, for example)
> 
> When I think about it more, Ben/Kylo having OCD would explain some things, such as feeling he has to be the “perfect" Dark Sider. Look at the scene where he prays to Vader’s helmet, for example. I may be reaching, but if you look at it as being a form of reassurance-seeking, of wanting to be devoted to TFO in thought, word and deed, it does fill in a few blanks on Kylo’s character. (Conflicted villains aren’t uncommon, but the trait in Kylo seems like a prominent, morality-flipped version of my own need to be pure and perfect)
> 
> And that’s my short story of an author’s note. Sorry about that.

OCD (as Ben learns, at some point, it’s called) in children usually comes about through childhood abuse. He wouldn’t say his parents abused him. True, there were questionable decisions they made, like leaving him with a nanny droid that turned homicidal, but that wasn’t like they knew it would happen. The droid probably didn’t know it would happen either. Some would rag on Ben’s mother for not being a housewife, but that wasn’t her fault; she had a government to run, a Republic to rebuild. And Dad was there. Ben can remember fun times with him.

Even the stuff that started off his OCD wasn’t intentional on his mother’s part. But it still hurt. 

(“...he’s powerful, and I fear what he’ll do, what he’ll break, if he...”)

All during an argument with Dad. Dad defended him, of course. He loved Ben to the point of overvalidation. 

(The Voice said neither one of them did. That Poe’s parents loved him because he was normal. Was that abuse? What if the Voice was right?)

But the Jedi...

***

Ben doesn’t tell his uncle. About those thoughts, like how easy it would be to stab Tai while they’re sparring. (He doesn’t tell Tai about it; he doesn’t tell anyone. Even Tai has his limits. Even Poe does)

He doesn’t tell anyone about the violent, intrusive images that he doesn’t know what to call. 

He doesn’t tell anyone about the words he’s afraid of accidentally saying. Like somehow, his mind is a search bar, and it’s filling in automatically what it thinks Ben wants. Even though he doesn’t want to. 

Pure. He has to be pure. In thought, word and deed. Clean. Like the white tunic and breeches he wears.

His mind has to be pure white. 

***

The nightmares make the thoughts worse. There’s points, Ben thinks, when he wonders if there’s something deeply, desperately wrong with him. If somehow — would he be getting these nightmares, these _thoughts_ if he didn’t somehow didn’t want all this? There are times when he wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking and sweating and trying not to scream, and he’s wracking his mind. _Did I enjoy this did I enjoy hurting Poe please tell me I didn’t_ —

He can feel it. That checking, mentally and physically, for any signs he enjoyed it. The guilt. He has to be a bad person; good people don’t get these thoughts...

It’s times like these when he goes on the Holonet. For a moment, the knowledge that Jedi get these visions, these glimpses of what could be — it calms him. 

_But what if you_ liked _it?_ the Voice says. 

“I don’t want to...” Ben murmurs. 

_Does it make any difference? It’s different when it’s a_ good _Jedi, isn’t it? It’s different when you’re truly devoted to the Light. Oh, young Solo, what would your mother think?_

The Voice has a point. Ben will concede that. If his mother didn’t hate him before (and she had to, to send him away), she would for certain. He has to hide this. Suppress this. That was what Revan did in the old stories, right? After he died, his spirit split in two. Ben wonders if there’s a _way_ to split in two. Like the Dark Side would just escape from him —

But does he want to inflict that on anyone else?

 _Good Jedi don’t have these thoughts_...

Ben searches the Holonet frantically. Searches it. He’ll have to delete his history in the off-chance that he leaves the datapad accidentally lying around...

 _Good Jedi don’t have these thoughts_...

Thoughts about hurting one of the Jedi at the Academy. Thoughts about hurting Poe. More. 

Good Jedi don’t have these thoughts. Why would Ben want to hurt someone he loves?


End file.
